Diaries of a Twenty-Six-Year Old Girl

The most cliché quote ever written turned out to hold the most important advice for my life:

You can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself.

I used to think this sounded unfair—like it was saying people weren’t worthy of love until they had everything figured out.

But I eventually realized it was never about worthiness. It was a warning against emotional dependency.

I thought I had it all figured out—that I was emotionally independent, and I didn’t need anyone to fill a void. I had seen people lose themselves in relationships, so I was convinced it would never happen to me.

I was completely wrong.

It’s hard for me to admit, but I lost my sense of self in a previous relationship.

Looking back, I can see that I didn’t start dating him because I truly wanted to—I started dating him because I was afraid to be alone again.

I had just moved back home from Palm Desert and didn’t have many friends—if any. I reconnected with some old college friends, and we hit it off instantly. One of them introduced me to him—her boyfriend’s best friend.

I remember thinking I wasn’t that interested. I actually had my eyes on someone else. But he was part of my new friend group, the other guy had just gotten into a relationship, and I didn’t want to risk losing these new connections… so I thought, why not just give it a shot?

That was my first mistake.

I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want a boyfriend—that I just wanted something casual. But he was persistent, slowly pushing past the boundaries I tried to set. And because I saw him almost every weekend, it became easier to let those boundaries slip.

Eventually, I gave in.

I told myself, he must really like me… and I do have fun when we’re together, so what’s the harm?

So we started dating.

Looking back now, I can see this wasn’t love—it was a massive red flag.

He didn’t respect my boundaries or my autonomy. He prioritized his wants over my needs.

And the hardest part to admit is this:
I let him.

I think part of me believed that because he wanted the relationship more than I did, I wouldn’t be the one to lose myself.

But the truth is, I already had—
the moment I said yes when I meant no.

The more time we spent together, the more issues arose. I tried to convince myself this was something I truly wanted, but the reality was that being with him felt easier than being alone.

Once that first boundary was crossed, it became easier for the others to fall. I started prioritizing his feelings over my own, and resentment began to build.

The fights grew more intense. Somehow, I was always to blame, and I slowly turned into someone I didn’t recognize.

Looking back, that version of me is difficult to face. I let someone break the values I had set for myself—and rebuilding that self-trust was incredibly hard.

But I’m grateful for it—because it forced me to learn something I hadn’t before.

I learned how to set boundaries and actually follow through.
How to validate myself instead of seeking it from someone else.
And how to be alone.

And in learning how to be alone, I became someone who could finally face life without needing someone else to hold me together.

I know now that I will never settle or let someone disrespect me like that again.

Being comfortable on my own gave me the freedom to choose people who are truly aligned with me—both in friendships and in relationships.

It also taught me that love is a choice.

When you begin to fill your own emotional void, you stop looking at people for what they can give you—and start seeing them for who they are.

And for the first time, I was able to love the people in my life without expectation.

Not because I needed them,
but because I chose them.