Diaries of a Twenty-Six-Year Old Girl

Things are going well.

Well.

I never say that word anymore.
When people ask how I am
I say I’m
good.

Out of spite.

It’s WELL,
I can hear you scream in my head.

But I don’t care.

Things haven’t gone “well”
since I heard those words.

I cry every day.
I pick up the pieces every day.

I’m learning new things.
I grow every day.

Except in that one sentence
I say
every
day.

The Next Door Neighbor

I started singing and now the next door neighbor hums when the window’s open.

Does he sing for you?

Can he sing for me?

Little Bird

Did he cross that invisible line?

I’d say so

I see you little Bird

You cried and said,
Please, please don’t leave me.

Those words bounced off me
like they meant nothing—
like you were nothing.

I cried.
Maybe not for you,
but for me.

For my inability to feel.
And for that, I am sorry.

Hate filled our cups,
Until it spilled from out mouths,
and you were blind
to who you thought I was.

I think it made you feel less…

A shiny, pretty thing—
yet you couldn’t understand it
and it was slipping through your fingers.

But I am not an object.
And I saw in myself
what you never could.

-I miss my old life-

They keep saying
let go of past hurts!
Let go of past hurts!

but ignorance is fucking bliss, I guess.

Ignorance is fucking bliss
when I had a life!
That wasn’t that bad before I met you.

That was the most expensive shot
I’ve ever said yes to.

And sometimes I wish
I hadn’t.

Life wasn’t that fucking bad
before I met you.

Now it feels so goddamn empty.

I wish I never met you.
I wish I never opened that can of worms.

They’re gone now.
I can’t find them.

I can’t find you—
but this isn’t even about you.

I wish I never fucking met you.

This is about me
and my can of worms.

This doesn’t even make sense.
I don’t really need it to.

I miss my friends before you.
I miss my life before you.
I miss who I was before you.

I thought I was lucky
to be one of the few—

but luck was never on my side.

At least not with you.

You revealed everything
I never wanted to see.

So you can take back—
your ten dollar shot.
You can take back,

that entire night.

I didn’t need any of it.